Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
