please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
