the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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