dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
