I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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