Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
