It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
