Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize