I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
