my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
