Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
