His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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