My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
