What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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