i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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