He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize