were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
