i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I want her autograph on my taint
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
