I'm really into asian looking animals
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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