I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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