need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
