Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize