Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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