I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
