Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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