That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
