you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
