When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
