i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
