There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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