you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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