I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
