I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
