So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
