I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
