how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
