My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
