I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
