I'm going to jail i love you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
