I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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