I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
