guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
