I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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