she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
