you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to sanitize my soul.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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