Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just threw up on my dentist
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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