Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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