I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
