And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
