I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
