I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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