At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
