Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
