I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
