Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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