Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
