i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
