I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
