i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
