he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
