Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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