I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
