New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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